MONDAY HAS BEEN CANCELLED

Author: Suzi Maher   1 January 2021 

MONDAY HAS BEEN CANCELLED

MONDAY HAS BEEN CANCELLED main image

 

If Monday had a face, I would punch it. There it is. I said it. God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend. You never hear anyone walking around, saying, “Yay! Thank fuck it's Monday”. The Mamas & the Papas warned: "Monday, Monday, can't trust that day." The Bangles lamented the pace of Mondays: "It's just another Manic Monday; I wish it was Sunday, Cause that's my fun day, My, I don't have to run day." The Boom Town Rats went even harder with their hatred of Mondays, "I wanna shoot the whole day down. Down, down, shoot it all down." A little too much whisky on the weekend for Bobby Geldof! The reality is, we don't really hate Mondays; after all, the good ones are public holidays and represent a long weekend. We only dislike what Monday's convey. Something unknown. Something that is guaranteed to stick its little head up and kick you square in the guts. You know, the bus is running late, no seat on the train, the car won't start, the Boss, who is always grumpy is apoplectic, the overwhelming exhaustion, putting up with the prick in the desk next to you, it’s pissing down raining and to top the whole thing off with a sprinkle of shit, you forgot your painkillers!!! According to press reports, you have a 33 % greater chance of suffering a heart attack on Monday morning than at any other time. Most researchers attribute this spike in Monday morning mortality to the stress associated with going back to work after a ripper of a weekend. Fair dinkum. I have a Masters in Shit Attitude and I could have told you that. Wankers. So, the moral of this tale is unless you're super-rich, your Monday morning options are: 1. Repeatedly poke one’s finger down one’s throat whilst ringing work. NB: Ensure you have a tissue handy to catch the mini chuck you'll induce. 2. Watch the end scenes of Titanic, then ring work sobbing and tell them your favourite grandparent just carked it. 3. You can medicate or you can double medicate. 4. You could call your Boss a dickhead and see if you can get sacked. If all else fails, you can go for a livener mid-morning.